Sunshine or Mirage

Despite everything, the world kept turning. Everything—the guild he was a part of, the missions he took and what little impact it made across the nations, and the power of gods he held in his fingertips—it felt like a lifetime away now. He fought, died, then fought to live again. After all that? The world didn’t even bat an eyelash and went ahead without him. He was back in this simple town making his own way back to a quieter life. The world would not stagnate because of this decision, but being left behind was a small regret he didn’t mind carrying.

But stagnating on a world stage was not the same as keeping himself from moving forward. It was because of this Tim was going back to the place where he was killed. He just wanted to stand there and set himself free of whatever happened to him. Ever since he came back he avoided two places in particular; the church and the park. He already spent some time in the café overlooking the church, mulling over while the owner walked him through what happened that morning. Now, all that was left was the park.

Slowly limping by the stone pathways made him smile. The place was bustling with children running on the well maintained grass while the adults and young couples made their way to picnic spots and settled in. It was a far cry from the dimly lit horror the last time Tim had been here. There were hardly any signs of his last fight. That—coupled with the cloudy sunny day—made him let out a breath, one he never realized he was holding. He rested his body over his right leg to let his left limb relax. His left leg was missing from the knee down, the rest was sitting on a stiff wooden carving that felt more like a stumpy peg-leg than a new limb. Tim didn’t want to complain, but he knew his mentor could make a better one—heck, he helped fit more than a few of those lacrima prosthetics to his old co-workers! But, magicless as he was now, there were few immediate alternatives. So, there he was, stuck with a very visible limp as he walked while his trousers were folded halfway on one leg. Then again, it wasn’t as obvious looking as his arms. His dress shirt’s right sleeve flimsily waved at the mercy of the wind, clearly missing a limb to keep it in place.

“Tim!” Someone called, sucking him out of his thoughts. “Glad you could make it!”

One of the organizers, a shorter boy in his late teens, was running towards him. Tim chuckled when the newcomer was catching his breath. “I’m not going anywhere, Jun.”

“Right,” Junior heaved, wincing slightly at the joke. “Sorry.”

Tim laughed again, this time a bit louder.

“Don’t worry about it,” He smiled at the younger man.

The organizer then offered him a spot over the picnic areas.

“I’ll just sit by my bench,” Tim tilted his head over the row of benches along the park close by, some of which were empty. “It’s not like I have the company to have a picnic with.”

“Here,” The boy gave Tim a rolled up magazine. “It’s Sorcerer’s latest. That might be a better read than just sitting around.”

“Anything interesting inside?”

“Dunno, haven’t opened it.”

“How would you know if it’s better then?”

“Even watching paint dry would be better than seeing you brood.”

Tim flicked the boy’s forehead, earning a sharp yelp from him. “The heck?! I thought you lost your magic?”
“I did.”

The boy shot him a glare, but it quickly melted into a worried frown. “If you ever change your mind, just holler, okay?”

Tim gave him another smile, but this time it was a lot warmer. “I will.”

After saying goodbye to the boy, Tim slowly made his way to his favorite bench whistling along to a tune. Now that he actually thought about where he was going, he remembered saying his goodbyes there to a certain blonde wizard he made good friends with.

“Hope she’s doing well,” He walked along, holding the rolled up magazine like a bat and patting it over his shoulder. “Who am I kidding, she was always better at magic than me.”

He laughed out loud, not caring who’d overhear him.

Out of anything he wanted to happen since he came back, seeing Nita Fortune again was the last thing he expected to come true. But there she was, sitting by the bench with a dumbfounded look on her face. But despite that, she was still as beautiful as he last saw her.

“Nita?” He couldn’t help but blurt out.

It wouldn’t be an impossibility to think that his death affected her, he did went out of his way to call her before his last fragment was taken to the afterlife. But the timing was impeccable. From the way she was looking at him, she knew the odds of meeting him here was completely zero. Was it his fault? After all, he didn’t give her a call—or anyone else, for that matter. A pang of guilt shot up his chest as he stepped in front of her. There was a hurricane of emotion behind her gaze, one he finally noticed more of the closer he was.

Tim didn’t know what to do. Was she thinking he was some trick? Another ghost? Or was she thinking of how he didn’t tell her he was back? A thousand thoughts fired through his mind, but his mouth opened to say something—anything—that could fill the pregnant silence between them.

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” He tried to make some small talk, but quickly winced at himself when he realized his poor wording. “I…that was horrible. Sorry.”

But he quickly shook it off and tried again.

“Really though,” Tim gently clasped her shoulder as he smiled at her. “It's been a while, Nita.”

She’s mad.

His heart sank when Nita drew back from his attempt at consoling her. He really should’ve expected this reaction, shouldn’t he? It was one thing to come back alive, but it was another matter entirely to not contact her in any way after months on end! Tim didn’t want to weird her out, though—again—that was more an excuse than an actual reason. Looking at her now, all he really wanted to do now was just explain everything. She can yell at him all she liked after.

Nita then went from recoiling in reaction and into positioning herself like she was about to do something to him. Tim took a few steps back. He couldn’t see her expression clearly, but he knew damn well enough he would be the one getting hurt over this one way or another.

“Nita? Listen,” Tim raised his hand forward placatingly, as if he was appeasing a pouncing beast. “I can explain. Wait—!”

What happened wasn’t too far off: Nita did pounce on him. In fact, she sent both of them flying! Tim didn’t know how far back they were flung, he was busy feeling the pain over the back of his head. He also felt his pegleg missing, along with the magazine he was holding. But what he was worried most about was the tightening sensation of something—or someone—coiling around him like a serpent.

“Urgh…” He let out a grunt, silently begging for the human-bullet to let him go.

But when he finally opened his eyes he saw Nita on top of him clinging so desperately, he froze, then his expression quickly softened. Tim's heart sank for the umpteenth time since he came to this park, but this time it was for a completely different reason. He wrapped his arm over Nita and rested his hand over her head, stroking it as gently as he could.

“Shh, it’s okay…” He said softly, lifting his head slightly to whisper over the distraught Nita's ear. “I'm here. I’m not going anywhere.”

Tim didn’t know how much he misread Nita’s feelings until he slowly realized she wasn’t letting go anytime soon. She practically melted in his arms, not even noticing how their little reunion was a heck of a head-turner. People by the benches were already staring while others further by the grass were gawking. Tim wasn’t one for making a scene in public, so the attention was a bit new. But he didn’t want to take away Nita’s moment, so he waited. After getting her fill of the hug, Nita got up to straddle him instead. Tim slowly sat up, careful not to accidentally push her off.

“You’re alright,” He snorted at her joke, shaking his head when she tried to apologize. “I’m made of sterner stuff.”

It looked like their little display finally caught up with Nita; he never saw someone’s skin go from fair to beet red in a flash before. Tim crossed his legs—or as close as he could with only his knee up with the other one—when she finally got off him completely. She gave him his wooden pegleg and offered to get him up, and he accepted the help happily enough.

“Thanks, Nita,” As he slowly stood up with her help, he thought about her question. “Both of those questions are a bit intertwined, and long…”

Tim then saw the remains of the colorful fruity punch, now a wet stain on the walkway, and thought of an idea.

“My buddy’s son saved me a picnic spot, he’s an organizer. I didn’t plan on having a date today so I just said no,” He said, smiling her way. “But if you’re free for the day, I can bore you all you like with the story if you’ll let me pay you back for the fruity punch.”

Depending on what she’ll say, Tim would call his friend and help them set up.

If there was one thing Tim was very confident about this little event the park set up, it was that he knew most of the people involved. He knew that most of the staff around were doing their job to the best of their ability. Sadly that doesn’t translate into manpower. They were understaffed to the point the mayor had to pitch in a sponsorship to get some of the local boys to help, Tim’s old co-worker’s son included. The boy was giddy enough when Tim called him to set up whatever he had planned in the beginning.

By the time Tim and Nita arrived at the place Jun specified, he was close to done in setting up the whole ensemble: picnic mat, a table low enough for someone to pick stuff up even if they’re sitting down, and even a large basket with food inside. It looked like Jun was alone doing everything, but when Tim tried helping the younger boy was eager to tell him otherwise. So he and Nita were left to wait till he was done. Granted, he was very quick with setting it all up, and in a very good location to boot. They were by a slightly inclined slope overlooking the rest of the main stone structures of the park; Tim didn’t even remember having a spot this scenic.

“And…done!” Jun said with a satisfied huff. “A picnic for two.”

“You’ve definitely upped your taste since I last saw you, Jun,” Tim agreed. “I thought you were just pulling my leg about the location.”

“Heh, you won’t get to call the chief on me after a job like this, Tim. This is as romantic as this park can get.”

“I don’t know about romantic…” Tim trailed off, looking over the view again. “But it’s a nice spot.”

He groaned. “Are you really gonna start getting all broody? Here?”

Tim shrugged, but he couldn’t help but smile slightly.

“C’mon, you even have a date this time around!” Jun said, turning to Nita. “I apologize on behalf of Tim here, he’s honestly a lot less grumpy when he’s with the women in his life.”

“Junior…” Tim winced, a rush of embarrassment washing over his face. “You made your point.”

Lovely, now the two of them were becoming a horrific tag team hellbent in tormenting him! Tim could hear Nita’s teasing tone and, as much as he liked her getting along with the people close to him, he knew she would jump at the opportunity. Junior, however, didn’t expect her quip at all.

“That was a horrible way of phrasing it,” He laughed, shaking his head when he realized his mistake. “But I guess that wasn’t too far off from the truth?”

“Jun, please…you’re gonna send me off an early second death at this rate,” Tim groaned.

“Alright, alright!” Junior raised his hands in surrender, but his smile was wide. “Jokes aside, I really do hope you enjoy your time here, Miss Nita. From what I read in the magazines, you’re a pretty busy wizard too. And now that Tim’s no longer one, I hope he can get you to relax a bit.”

“Magazines?” Tim quirked a brow.

“And now that I’m talking about relaxing,” Jun sighed. “Tim, please, enjoy the peace and quiet for a change.”

“You know I will,” Tim answered incredulously.

Jun paused, looking at Tim closely, before nodding contentedly and waving him and Nita goodbye. Tim sat down on the picnic mat, looking over the younger man going down the slope. Just last year, Jun wasn’t this pushy and active. He mostly spent his time around his shop, or with his father by the docks.

“He’s gotten a lot more reliable since I last saw him,” Tim said, mostly to himself. “Guess I was gone too long, huh?”

But then he remembered what Jun said about Nita. He smiled her way. “You’ve been busy since then too, I bet?”

It was easy to get distracted by junior’s antics, but now that it was back to just the two of them Tim mindlessly opened the picnic basket–putting the food over the low table–while Nita recounted some of the things she had been doing while he was gone. Keeping things at bay–from the forces of evil to something as conceptually foreboding as darkness–it sounds like she has been doing well for the most part. A smile escaped his lips.

But before he could say something witty his friend spoke about his temporary absence, saying she was glad it was only temporary. He suddenly remembered earlier how Nita said she planned on crying the day away.

“It shouldn’t have taken me this long to let you know I was alive,” Tim, brows furrowed, looked up at the blonde wizard. “I’m so sorry, Nita.”

After Nita said her piece–well, multiple pieces–he let out a long sigh followed by a sheepish smile. Tim knew her for quite some time now, and as much as he believed she wouldn’t hate him for it there was always that small part of him that expected the worst in people. And that part of him seemed to always convince him to do its bidding. The sigh was less about her understanding him and more like a one of relief that he was in the wrong, and that Nita was as reliable as ever.

Now that he felt some of the weight off his shoulders Tim hunched forward, letting his arm rest over the table.

“Before anything else, two things,” Tim raised two digits. “One, I don’t think I’ll have the guts to two-time anyone, let alone someone as amazing as you. And two, I didn’t snub just you. I kinda went AWOL to anyone and everyone I knew concerning magic. The reason–?”

Tim almost choked in his words; he didn’t expect it to be hard to admit, but here he was.

Hesitating.

“I…can’t do magic anymore.”

He said it. He never admitted it to anyone outright before.

“And, no, it’s not like a performance problem,” He chuckled at his horrible joke. “It’s…like I never knew it in the first place. I can’t detect anything magic related anymore, I can’t use SE-plugs to save my life—heck, I can’t remember ever knowing how to do magic!”

Tim didn’t even notice his voice rising. He quickly cleared his throat, muttering ‘sorry’ as he sat straighter.

“The only reason I never doubted being able to do it before was because of these,” He tapped his temple. “I remember my deeds as a wizard, and I remember my misadventures with other wizards like you. But I don’t know how to step back into that life anymore, not with the way I am now. If the worst parts of me would be given back, that’d be a different story. But for now? I'm just me, just nobody.”

He finished with a breath and a smile. He looked at Nita, thanking he left the house today. Admitting the truth was a lot heavier than anything he had done in his life. But this time, it felt good. He always wanted to be free of his lineage, and the magical horrors it chained him into. This was the first time since he came back that he truly felt that he was free of everything. That he was just…Tim.

Tim froze. Where he usually made a throwaway joke to ease some of the tension of a situation, this time he could only crane his mouth shut to stop it from hanging in a dumbfounded expression. He didn’t know which made him so drawn, so enamored by Nita at that moment: her quick but ensnaring peck over his cheek, or her short but purposeful confession.

“To you…?” He parroted, still wrapping his head over those words.

Tim became flush. Though he hated it, his lineage and its magical burdens were a part of him all his life. Primordial deities and godly entities pulled him into their troubles and their whims, all because he had a sliver of their kind within him. He couldn’t even remember the first time he wished to be rid of such a burden, he’d been wishing for it since the beginning. And now that it was all gone, he thought everyone would’ve understood how much he wanted to get rid of it. But the people he knew usually end up reassuring him that he would ‘rise up to the occasion’ or ‘find a way to be whole again’. They mean well, he knew at least that much. But they expected him to somehow return to be that young man again, that wizard. As if he wasn’t already whole like this! But Nita didn’t need him to be anything more, did she? Not unless he wanted to. Even now, she’s with him, and all he needed to become was himself.

“I always love this part of you, Nita,” He closed his eyes in a resigned sigh. “By the gods, I do.”

But that didn’t mean she wasn’t going to ask how he came back to life. She was adamant in knowing about it.

He laughed nervously. “You don’t suppose I can just peck you on the cheek too and we can call it a day?”

Tim half-expected to be let off with that explanation alone, but then she threatened to do something if he stalls any further. He knew she wouldn’t do anything too horrible to him, but even with an empty threat there was the very real consequence of a harmless nasty thing she would end up doing.

“Okay!” He raised his hand forward in surrender. “I give, I’ll tell! You are a very scary woman, you know that right?”

Where was he going to start? It wasn’t really a question of who, though…

“My resurrection was the result of a collaboration between my mentor, Dr. Schwartz, my spirit wolf buddy, and Hemera.” Thinking about how this team-up came to be made him chuckle. “I don’t know how they did it. Not the resurrection part, Dr. Schwartz is a miracle worker when it came to lacrima work and applied magic, I mean how they came to work together. If there’s someone who outright hates the concept of deities more than me? It’d be the doctor.”

“From what he told me, he used the soul trapping properties of a siren’s crystal globe—they’re like natural lacrima that sirens use to trap their victims' souls. I’ve never really seen one, though I guess I have one in me now? But I’m getting ahead of myself,” He waved dismissively, trying to get back on track. “Anyway, Hemera and Wolf took one from a siren queen and fused it with the company lacrima I’ve been lugging around since forever.”

“By company, I mean Dr. Schwartz’s. Most of us who worked for them were given these lacrima, easier to attune to specific spells that way, no matter how horrible you are with actual magic. You remember those funny spells I use that aren't light magic? Yeah, those are from that lacrima,” Tim felt a little weird talking tangent after tangent, explaining to Nita things about his life he thought she didn’t know yet. Then again, she asked to get bored. “Since my company lacrima had been bathing my magical presence for more than a decade, they repurposed it as an ethereal beacon of sorts so I could find myself from wherever my pieces were thrown into. The siren gem, meanwhile, acted as a net for my soul. I don’t really know how those things work, I can’t feel anything magical now after all. But that’s what the doctor explained to me.”

Tim paused. “And the reason I don’t have magic anymore is…well…the only part of me that came back was the 'Tim’ you met last time, the smallest part of me that didn’t want to end things terrible with you. My regret. The other parts of me though? They don’t plan on returning anytime soon.”

“Hemera told me that Delight took a big chunk of me and hid in some deity’s domain, she said she didn’t want to give me back.” He sighed. “I guess she took my death pretty hard. Hemera said Delight apparently beat up the Valkyrie who was tasked to take my soul.”

“All in all, other than my body that was left to rot I’m now separated into thirds: My soul which is with Delight, then there's me right now…the fragment of my regret. And lastly my domain, the part of me that’s been a pain the longest. You probably remember that part of me when we went against that cultist, or that time with Samsa.” He then shuddered. “I don’t know if I should tell you this. But that part of me? Nobody could find it. Delight swore that wasn’t the part of me she took, and Hemera couldn't even get a whiff nor a trance of it from any of the realms she knew.”

He stopped.

“And…that’s about it! The hows and whys of my death,” Finally, Tim stretched his arm out. When he finally relaxed he craned his head to her. “I know you love me so much that you’ll be willing to bore yourself to death listening to me, Nita. But if this is going to be the figurative hill we’re both gonna to die on? You can tell me anything too.”

“I won’t do something nasty to you if you don’t tell me though,” Tim slid his hand over to Nita’s cheek, caressing her with utmost care as if she was made of glass.

“You’re right about Delight. But I can afford to wait for her to calm down,” Tim stroked her cheek with his thumb when it went puffy after she melted into his hand. “I don’t think just being a fragment’s affecting me much. Other than the lack of magic, at least.”

He didn’t want to delve too much about that day, but the short and numerous moments he allowed himself to look at what happened was just the push he needed to tell her. Judging from what she’s saying about what happened to him, she didn’t take the plunge to see the reports. Telling her would be a favor rather than outright showing her those videos.

Tim let go of her cheek, setting his hand down. “About my body being pieced together though…obviously not all of it could be saved. But for the rest of me that Doctor Schwartz could save? It left some marks.”

Tim pulled up his dress shirt from behind. It didn’t completely come off, but it should be enough to show her the stitches. “You can pull it higher up if you want.”

From his shoulder blade down were bare and two parallel pitchblack remnants of stitching could be seen grafted vertically along the sides of his backbone. “Something tells me they weren’t that gentle, because Doctor Schwartz said they included the ribs over my back too when they pulled it out. He had to graft it back together. They latched hooks over them so it could spread from my back like wings.”

“Apparently it’s a form of ritual execution, they even have it written over their Sagas. I’ve been reading some of it after I came back, one account said they did it to two Iser men in retaliation to the murder of a father. Sounds familiar?” Tim couldn’t help but chuckle, but it didn’t reach his eyes, which only kept staring into the far distance. “And as for doing something about those guys…unless you know how to destroy a literal god for good? We’re out of luck.”

Tim let go of his shirt and laid on the picnic mat, staring into the sky. “Trust me, I wasn’t being lazy in the afterlife. But all they end up doing afterwards is hiding until they recuperate and plan another attack.”

Tim remained sprawled on the mat, listening. “It does count. Apparently being a ‘god slayer’ was the only reason I had been able to properly destroy my murderer’s father. But don’t throw yourself headfirst into danger on my account, Nita.”

Before he felt somber again, he added: “I’d rather waste your time asking you to dinner instead.”

At this rate, Tim could've sworn he was slowly turning into one of his old co-workers with the amount of horrible jokes he was throwing. He didn’t know if this was him trying to distract himself or if it was because he knew Nita shrugged stuff like this easily, but thinking about the concept of god slayers made him wonder.

“I know it’s a bit late to deep dive into god slayers, seeing how I don’t have that part of me anymore,” He leaned his head to face Nita. “But how’d you become one?”

In the end, she also wanted him to get his magic back too. But it didn’t come off as patronizing, unlike when everyone else consoled him. Was it because those words came from a fellow wizard? Or it could be because it was Nita who was reassuring him. There definitely might be a part of him that took their kindness the wrong idea; Tim wasn’t immune to overreacting, after all. All that aside, what Nita said about the birth of god slayers was interesting. Esoteric was the right word to use–Hemera and Baldr alluded to that being that case–but knowing becoming one only boiled down to planting lacrima? It made Tim’s whole process in understanding Hemera’s domain feel like he took the annoyingly long way around to solve the problem.

“That definitely sounds like the better route,” He muttered. “I remember it took me nearly getting killed by Hemera to become one…not that it matters now.”

He didn’t dwell too long in his memories though. There was a lot more to unpack to what Nita said for him to drown in the past. There was her flimsy attempt at a ‘reason’, and the fact she practically said she didn’t mind him asking her out. It made him chortle, but because of the way she said it, he hoped she wasn’t just talking for the sake of talking.

“That’s a pretty solid reason: ‘because’,” He tried, but failed, to sound like he wasn’t enjoying himself just talking. “But why not make this a win-win sort of thing for the both of us? I’ll let you try going after them, but only if I get my magic back so I can help. And while I’m still just ‘Tim-tim’, as you put it, how about we just go on a trip? A little getaway without the pretense of a job, just the two of us? I’ll even let you pick where we’ll go. That beats a dinner invite, right?”

It was probably the most forward Tim has been in a long time.