Marriage is... complicated.

Wedding Crashers

The wedding between Mister Clean and Misses Buttersworth was a most boring affair. Sure there was cake, music, dancing, fellowship, and love within the air but excitement lies within any of that? The cake while good was bland, the music was that of a calm and lively tune, yet struck a sour note with how happy it was. The dancing was like a bunch of bouncy balls that occasionally made sexual advances on one another, the fellowship was dull, nothing but people chatting about business deals both "personal" and business. Love, well Love was something wonderful which united the entire world and made enemies turn into friends and peace be brought to every corner that it spread to, which is why to Erika it was the mightiest of curse words. To say one loved another was surely stupid as one could only love themselves because you weren't the other person you were yourself, she supposed they could love one another as property but to love as if they were you, that made no sense to her. She couldn't love anyone else they weren't nearly as perfect as she was, so they didn't deserve her love! Many would say she loved Faeral but really she only enjoyed his company for the sake of him sharing her ideals on the world, and not because she wished to spend her life with him... baka.

Still, for two people with such stupid names (ignore her last name it's perfect) this party didn't live up to the enjoyable atmosphere she had come to expect, not even one child was crying. While she understood the need for such business like adventures and how Faeral wished to maintain his, and his father's companies image at these things, she often wondered why he asked if she would come along. No amount of couch humping could get her to enjoy these adventures, but she did because she knew that at the end of the day... Faeral would owe her for putting up with this crap. Frankly, Erika wondered if she should tell Faeral that she got most of her own money from being a fashion designer so that she could design the outfits for the brides who were a part of these boring occasions, maybe then one of them could explode or something.

"Faeral..."

Erika stated, taking a glass of champagne from one of the waiters wandering around.

"Why do you attend such boring events, surely maintaining such an image isn't worth it when you could just do a hostile takeover of their assets, well obviously just a seizing would do just fine but the phrase hostile takeover has the word hostile in it making it the superior option. This whole place just seems rather... dull, I fear if these are your business partners we may never find anything entertaining coming out of these events."

---

WC: 476

Business remained business, and despite tackling a certain partner his father demanded he attend this event…perhaps a little more vehemently than usual. That stoniness to the man’s features tickled Faeral and it’d taken all his willpower not to smile in the least, knowing how “pained” his father was and how quickly he’d had to denounce such a criminal that he once called “best friend.” Someone needed to show their friends and rivals that such a ruffle in their cuff hardly phased their empire.

As far as affairs went this little shindig – as he thought of it – proved rather standard. The food came with a certificate of quality, the band one that usually required reservation months in advanced, bottles of booze older than some of the partygoers and all the stylish wear one might hope to see in a lifetime as a commoner. The most exciting thing came from discussions on why the Clean Empire chose to align with the Buttersworth one. He saw a few ways to spin it, but ultimately it’d probably amount to featuring the other’s products in parts of their ads.

After chatting with Granny Smith he’d snagged one of the small glasses of champagne from a passing waiter and joined his rather unenthusiastic companion. Hard to imagine, but before Erika came along he’d often have Morphine take on a different female form to accompany him – these parties one of the few times she sported a sociable smile if only for his sake. Now though…it was always a bit of a mental betting game to see if Erika would deign to tag along or not. Sure at the end of the day he might owe her and have to don a chicken suit or offer her only the finest of canine hearts harvested from the best lap dogs of high society women (while still in their laps), maybe even besmirch some stranger’s reputation with his neighbors by using their couch as a jumpy house. For the most part he hadn’t found a challenge he hadn’t enjoyed to some extent.

”Yes my dear?” One did not slur their words at such parties.

While one couldn’t always enjoy a chat with an apple mogul, but he found it surprising that she acted so…so…passive for once. In fact he raised an eyebrow whilst taking a small sip of the fizzy liquid, enjoying the tingling bubbly sensation as it slipped down. ”If I don’t enjoy the calm every once in a while then I can’t compare it to the storms I’ll partake in later.” He paused for a moment, a smile growing in place as it naturally wasn’t a completely honest statement, but he couldn’t help a slight tease. ”And because entertaining myself at these events isn’t that hard even if it’s not quite as literally explosive. Come tomorrow there’s going to be some interesting little gossip about a certain Sir Boye R. Dee and Doctorate Pepper exploding into a hot gay make out session in the halls before stumbling into a private room. I’m sure their wives will be very curious about this too given the multiple sightings.” Granted he might’ve had a small talk with the two gentlemen before offering each a handshake, but was it really his fault they’d both been so susceptible to his abilities? In fact it happened so easily he had half a theory that they might’ve done such without his interference! But then again some ladies he patted the shoulders of might not have caught them sneaking off and begun circulating said gossip either. ”I did always prefer Mr. Pibb’s drinks a bit more I admit…”

“Also…no need to give them credit where it isn’t due. They’re not “partners” as much as our assets.” It was oddly kind of her though to raise them up to near equals when even his father didn’t view them as such. Not that the man would admit it to either family’s faces. He supposed though that it stood as a positive that she hadn’t orchestrated some sort of bombing quite yet. Judging by the curious security roaming here and there Faeral figured it’d certainly set in some confusion. Though…he vaguely recalled hearing about some wild ex-boyfriend of Lady Buttersworth…oh well.

"Randomly inciting different sexual tastes in others aside, these sorts of ventures really are the bore, everyone is so proper. I enjoy proper Faeral but there is a difference between my proper, and the world's proper, mine is the correct way, the one that amuses me."

Erika stated as she had her lips press up against the glass and take a sip. It was good, but not great, and she demanded great even if this wasn't her party. If this was her party none of them would be invited and she would probably be raiding another dimension just for fun, see that's a good party, a raid on some helpless people in another dimension that have no idea you are coming, you can also make stuff up like saying you are intergalactic gods come to punish them and stuff. Very fun, especially if they are primitive can kick them around a bit. Maybe she was getting off topic but when you had such stupid people around with dumb names how could your mind not drift off into nothing. Like really, who has part of their name, named after food, only idiots do.

"Partners, assets, sacrificial lambs it is all the same thing at the end of the day. This is the world of business and it is why I despise it, everyone just uses one another, and thinks they are better at it than me, which they aren't. Can't tell you how many times someone has tried to perform a seizing of various assets I have. I was speaking from experience on the hostile take over, really is quite fun, even if most view it as just stealing all their valuables rather than actually "taking over""

Yes to Erika a hostile takeover meant literally going in and taking over their company, but what did you expect, they were inferior scum and deserved it for even thinking they could steal what rightfully belonged to Erika.

"Though I guess if I was to refer to the one writing this post right now, I would have it say it was a hostile TAKover. Seriously I can't believe he doesn't role play me that much anymore, I may have to kill him one of these days for it. Anyway... Hopefully, this ceremony will be broken up soon, by it ending or something fun happening."

It was at that very moment a man clad in all black leather entered the hall where the reception was being held. His hair was greased, his clothes were tight, he wore bitchin' sunglasses and he had a flock of doves fly in from behind him. He looked ready to rumble in the most badass 80's way possible.

"I'm here for my girl."

He spoke in the manliest of purple colors and his voice was like listening to the ocean rock out to a Metallica song, he was truly the hero we needed but didn't deserve. As he stepped forward the bald-headed Mr. Clean spoke out towards him in a harsher tone.

"Just who are you anyway huh? You weren't invited!"

"My name?"

Reaching out behind him the man pulled out a blue hat from his firm buttocks and placed it upon his head, it's royal blue color with the gold letter C on it perfectly illustrated his name and position.

"The names Crunch, Captain Crunch, and i'm here to get her back from your scrubbing arms Mr. Clean. When I'm done with you no amount of solvant will get out the stains."

A lot of normality’s tended to differ from Erika’s tastes…but in the end that stood as a part of her charm too. The fact that she could come to these parties that common rabble only dreamed of and sigh brought a smile to his face, one the finely dressed fellow hid behind his glass of champagne. Listening as she continued to rant the man slightly chuckled. He could think of a few times they seized assets together, which simply lead him to ponder what became of a wonderful couch after the jewelry store job came to a conclusion…’Was a good couch…might’ve been worth a theft…oh well we can find better.’ In all truth though it was probably sheer luck she hadn’t simply busted into his office to lay claim to everything before they met. So far nobody made the mistake of trying to coerce her into doing it either, an act that would see swift retribution.

She spoke of someone else in a way that left him a little befuddled, but nothing good ol’ Faeral couldn’t shake off. It sometimes felt as if he were meant to simply go with the flow a lot of the time, dealing with the most intriguing of thing at times.

Finally it seemed dinner theater arrived in the form of a dramatic entrance courtesy of a man people in the business hadn’t seen for a while. Gossip spoke of a lost fortune, others mentioned lunatic dreams that took him across the sea never to be seen again, and other fantasies nobles could concoct. The facts remained that people hadn’t heard from Captain Crunch in a fair while and wondered what might’ve become of his business.

Gasps sounded in a wave as he produced the hat and declared his name, some people intrigued and others alarmed. Some intermixed with the crowd slowly started making their way forward, these men likely hired help.

Except Captain Crunch wasn’t stupid: he hadn’t come alone.

Others finally came into sight after the dazzling entrance finally dimmed a little. ’Toucan Sam…’ Another face Faeral recognized if only because it was hard to forget. The man’s nose jutted to ridiculous lengths to the point he would be immediately cast as Cirano de Bergerac the moment he walked on stage, although they might wonder about some of the colorful tattoos on that schnoze. The man appeared stuck with a perpetual smirk, lips always ticked upwards regardless of what expression he truly wanted.

Trix proved another surprise guest in Faeral’s books. The fellow with his longish ears often found himself the target of bullies. Always playing keep-away and claiming he couldn’t have something for one reason or another: it’s only for adults, it’s only for kids, and it’s only for people who aren’t freaks – to name a few. Given the facial tick and hand twitch he pondered the man’s sanity, but he’d heard rumors of shock treatment so who knew?

Now Tony the Tiger came as little surprise since the two had been close friends growing up. A hearty and convincing salesman, sometimes Faeral wondered if people bought into his products purely because of his physique. This man came built like a truck, thick muscles wrapped around strong bones, though admittedly his leg game was a little off: maybe he sometimes skipped that day?

Eyes slid down as something fast caught his attention and the man sighed: things would become utterly chaotic now. If Trix’s twitch and tick concerned him it faltered in comparison to the trio cackling at half the Captain’s height. Snap, Crackle, and Pop came as something of a notorious set of triplets. Always up to a spot of mischief and supposedly their family paid damages from time-to-time due to a love of bombs. Still he’d heard other rumors of those employed by the family walking away with settlements caused in-house too, servants stuck in casts and immediately seeking new employment. More than likely brought as a wild card to keep people on their toes rather than as true allies. Faeral’s family steered clear of them as far as business was concerned since their family reputation had been in very steady decline.

”I suppose we’ll get our show…as long as they don’t disappoint too much,” he murmured loud enough for Erika to hear. Unlike many other patrons he showed a lack of care, more interested how this little bit of twisted Shakespeare might turn out.

"What a colorful cast of characters, though they seem familiar..."

So many arrived, it was like a game made post haste. Their spirits were high and dry, nothing would be them soggy and no amount of cleans vocal scrubbing would get them to back down. Angry grew on Mr. Cleans face as he saw the group of super cereal people show up next to Captain Crunch. His goal was clear in order to keep the girl of his dreams, he had to defeat his rival in the next door isle once and for all.

"You think that you have won so easily Captain? Did you think I didn't anticipate your arrival, did you not think I was prepared to employ my strongest of deterrent detergents? You shall rule the day you desired to take Butterworth from me.

With an air of freshness a man who was clothed in a fabulous garment appeared, it was Febreze the strongest of air freshers, and boy did his attire show that, the man was pretty to behold and he smelt of the pines. His weapon was that of a spray can which contains only the most righteous of refreshers and fragrances.

Next to him was a shorter man who entered the room, he was squeaky clean and had bubbles about him. The man was Mr. Bubble and he could scrub anything if he put his mind to it, and his weapon of choice was the deadly bubble magic, which had killed many people who thought bubbles were weak.


Finally, came in the strongest man of all, Jim. Jim didn't mess around, he gave a firm look towards the crew of the captain and his eyes were lit with a flame. He was there, he had always been there but no one noticed him. Between the office of the clean crew and the crunch crew, there was Jim forever waiting on the sidelines. Well no more! Jim was ready to snap into action.

"You think you forgot about me crunch? Well, this day I will snap into you, just like you tried to snap into me, SLIM JIM!"

The men were ready to fight, their lines were set, their battle was now, and all Erika could do as she watched the man standoff was form a smile. This wedding had gone from horrible to amusing in half a second, a full blown battle was about to take place and Erika was here to make sure that the side she wanted to win would win. Naturally, that meant her of course as her side was the only one that mattered in the long run. Such was the folly of inviting her to these parties, but Faeral knew this, he knew that she may very well end up killing all parties involved, and yet he still invited her. Erika couldn't help but find that this was all part of his devilish plan to eliminate those who had outgrown their usefulness, and that is why she would indulge him in his little fantasy of power, for her henchman was learning well.

"Faeral who do you think will win? My money is on Crunch for attitude but Clean seems to have a plan, perhaps at the end of the day neither will win... or rather I shall, if you don't mind a call on the lacrima to your human resources department that is."

wc: 564

There was no need to explain their connection to some brands, though the fact that the families all bore rather…striking resemblances through the generations even a common man might be able to pick at their businesses and connections. ’All this drama over a subpar woman…well her assets aren’t that bad so I suppose I can see a bit of the inspiration.’ It was true: the Buttersworths faired quite well in the market that Faeral could easily imagine them being after her inheritance and a partnership with her family’s business. Then again a part of him feared the two men may’ve actually assembled their motley crews for the sake of…her love or something equally trivial and oh so human.

Well he some popcorn might’ve been worth handing out, but alas Mr. Redenbacher came strictly as a guest and family friend to the Buttersworth’s. Shame.

Briefly Faeral wondered if a tumbleweed might pass by with how eerily quiet and still they all became after their grandiose speeches and entrances. Each one waited for another to make a move first like the first cough during an absolutely silent test period. In fact he had half a mind to clear his throat, see if that prompted the lot if not for the unpredictable triplets. Those twitchy brothers, Snap, Crackle, and Pop roared with a cacklish glee and fired off at Clean only to be met with a wall of bubbles, the stubby member of the cleaning crew quick to take on his like-sized foes with a determined smirk.

Wild Card Slim Jim and Tony targeted each other, their bout more a fight of attrition and luck. Where the thin man excelled in speed if Tony could land a solid hit or two with his might muscles then even the powerful jerk would crumple. Yet that didn’t mean the scarred tank of a man wouldn’t go down if things dragged on long enough, far from infallible. Even the close strikes left marks that would bruise horrendously later on Jim.

Febreze might’ve ended up in the more one-sided match up. Despite having numbers on their side it would seem that neither Toucan Sam nor Trix could get close with his righteous fragrance. In fact it was all Sam could do to keep the overpowering fragrance from irritating his nostrils and putting him at a disadvantage by holding his nose. Trix though…Trix took a blast straight to the eyes and fell into immediate whining and bemoaning mode about how nobody ever wanted him to have anything in the history of forever ever and other overly dramatic things that gave even Sam a pause to raise an eyebrow. If there was one thing the opponents could agree on it was this: Trix was a dweeb.

Ever so seriously and intensely Captain Crunch and Mr. Clean went at it, parrying blows and trading them, leaving blood to splatter here and there. They’d lost focus even on their men’s fights so focused upon each other. The world turned pitch black until a single sound pierced their bubble.

”Oh…!”

Genteel and yet the note of pain remained unmistakable. Both peered at the object of their desires and ambition to find a new accessory: a sword jutting from betwixt her bosom. ”I suppose if you boys can’t play nice then I’ll have to confiscate your little toy!” The woman’s dress quickly gained a blossoming trail of red, body jerking as Faeral wrenched his blade and watched her smack into the floor with gusto. Red slid along the lengths of the white blade, a beautiful contrast in Faeral’s opinion as he watched an enraged Crunch charging him, Mr. Clean too stunned to make a move.

’Humans truly are fascinating at times!’

The fight was quite the spectacle, in fact, one could say it was absolutely delicious! Such a sweet treat to see all of these cereal attendants fight it out over who was the cleanest butter candidate. Such was their attention to attrition that the Trix man didn't even hit the kids, nor did the small ones use a tree. The bubbles were powerful but the tiger was too great for them, and crunch and clean were evenly matched. Blow for blow their power was unrivaled their strength daunting their desire unfathomable their zeal unmatched. That was until Faeral penetrated the love of their life with his mighty sword. Erika was a bit huffy at that fact, she didn't like it when Faeral penetrated other women but she supposed in this instance it would be forgiven if he gave her that look. He didn't give Erika that look but he gave clean and crunch the look of "please make my day" and so Erika knew what it meant. She had just been given a blank check to go all out, and now she was dreaming...

Of a red wedding.

Clearing her throat as some of the guests were lifted into the air by their very fancy clothing, a wicked grin grew on Erika's face.

"I'm dreaming of a red wedding, just like the ones I used to know, Where the cake tops glisten and the child witness, their parents being ripped in two."

With a hum in her voice and a joyful tone, with every chorus, she sung another person popped like a cherry on prom night. The red going oh so well with the clean white that was the hall. A splash of color here and there, Erika was like an artist with human tomatoes.

"I'm dreaming of a red wedding, with every person that goes pop, may their moments be painful and short, and may all your wedding be red."

The hall had become a horror show, and all the while the group which was previously fighting rushed towards Erika only to have their lives be in her grasp as she lifted them up into the air by the very snazzy outfits they wore. First was Trix, and oddly enough some of the children cheered and it was a good thing they did too as that little cheer would keep them alive since they were the smart ones. The elves went pop then the tiger hit a great explosion, the bubbles fell to the ground and the Febreze couldn't get the stain out of himself. Slim Jim, he was the only one to take off his clothes and run out of the door, he too was one of the smart ones, though Erika didn't get why he was Slim Jim after seeing him.

With a sigh and a smile, she made sure that the hallway had a new coat of paint about it, and that the few survivors knew their place within the walls, best of all her dress was untouched for she was perfect in the trajectory of their accidents. Approaching towards the Redenbacher family, pretty much the only survivors, Erika created some of their popcorn out of nowhere and put a kernel in her mouth.

"I would say you are POPular enough to live even if this situation is a bit CORNy, though I assume all of this was caused by the fight and completely an accident... am I right?"

Redenbacher shook his head furiously as it to say yes, he feared for his family and wished to survive this day. With an out stretched hand filled with the carton of popcorn, Erika smiled politely.

"Got butter?"

Post WC: 610

Total WC: 2233/2125

Being a gentleman one needed to make certain sacrifices and allowances in life. Faeral often thought of himself a gentleman, having it more or less ingrained in him by his father. Given the bored state of his partner it seemed only natural to let his lovely partner have her way with the festivities after he more or less gave a somewhat subtle sign to unleash as she pleased. After all Erika could never be thought of as a mere “decoration” like some people of his station believed of their prettier counterparts. ’Though we will certainly fight for you, even if you’re…below subpar, won’t we, Ms. Buttersworth?’ he thought, smiling at the woman laid out on the ground. In all fairness she was pretty, but in all his interactions with her Faeral only found the woman to be pretty. Raised to do little for herself the woman was abysmally boring to him, filled with such little thought that he somewhat admired Captain Crunch for putting on such a spectacle for her.

’Now THIS is a show.’ Red began painting the walls and floors as people more or less combusted where they stood or floated. Only one person appeared to figure things out and, well, even he wouldn’t make it far in his escape as Erika wasn’t one to let loose threads slip away. People became frightened at the prospect of moving as they witnessed long-time friends, partners, or rivals all but become liquidized before their very eyes. Fear forced them to stay stock still in some vain hope of avoiding a similar fate, an instinct Faeral both admired and scoffed at internally. Meant more for beasts, it’d do them little good here, though by the end he could only laugh: even the survivors wouldn’t come away from this unscathed in a sense. Everyone would experience something be it from Erika or his touch.

Shadowy tendrils began leaking from the man, slipping out of sleeves and pants legs. Some slithered along the ground towards those very people trapped in this room, their eyes widening in horror of what may come next. Would it be painful? Would they suffer? Alas perhaps it was their lucky day as these tendrils twisted themselves into the people’s very essence, moving beyond the layers of reality to instill themselves within the inner workings of their being. Memories would rewind and rewrite themselves in favor of Faeral’s preferred truth: this party ended in a bloody brawl thanks to the crews of Captain Crunch and the allies of Mr. Clean. If not for Faeral and his assistant/protector Subaru then the whole party might’ve ended in utter death. His support via instruments and the white haired woman’s dominance with her chainsword meant things became a bit messy…but ultimately nobody seemed willing to go peacefully either.

Approaching Mr. Redenbacher and his family the man smiled genially, placing a shadowy hand upon the man’s shoulder, ”Now, now my dear Redenbacher, everything is under control I assure you. I’m sorry things have come to this and you had to witness so much loss…but you’re safe now I assure you. I’m also afraid you and your family will have to provide statements on what happened…but I’m sure their families will appreciate knowing what occurred here. It is our duty to the fallen and those who’ve survived their family members, no?”

The man nodded, a cloud passing over his eyes before they returned to normal, a receding fear and a growing sadness within them. ”Yes, of course,” he let out a shaky breath, ”I can’t believe this all happened over poor Lady Buttersworth…but…their families deserve to know the killers are laid to rest. I just can’t believe it…” Faeral nodded, pleased as Redenbacher family’s conversion into familiars went even more smoothly than usual – though their kind had never been that difficult – and they’d offer the explanation Faeral implanted when the authorities arrived at his call: that Captain Crunch’s gang started slaughtering party-goers even as Mr. Clean’s attempted to stop them.